Don't times change..?

Well. According to my previous post, my life has gone through innumerable changes in the last four months. I have had a really bad year at uni, but then I had full-time work for the last six weeks. I also have travel and teaching placement to enjoy over the Summer. But the relationship I was so excited about back then took a nosedive leaving me shellshocked for the better part of the semester. I might get back in contact with that girl soon, but what I am really excited about is a new friendship, and possible relationship.
I got in contact this year with a girl I knew of when I was a kid. She attended some of my sister's birthday parties and such, but then moved away, and I didn't see her for 15 years. Then we got back in touch via Facebook, and caught up regularly at uni, which we both attended. We would talk about our respective relationship woes, and encourage each other. We got on well, and laughed a lot, sharing lots of funny links online, as well as in-jokes. She asked me to drum for the carols she was organising, and I did, meaning that I saw her a lot for a month, and then since then we have been talking and catching up all the time. I have had dinner with her family a few times, and I am constantly amazed at how effortlessly we get along.
When I first met her again this year, I told myself not to get to liking her. I didn't think it was a good idea. She is an introvert (I wanted to find myself an extrovert), and was in an unhealthy relationship, so I thought it was best to steer clear of that. But recently I noticed how much I liked her, and I made it a point to be aware of what I felt being with her. What I saw was this - there's nothing about the time we spend together that I don't enjoy.
I have tried not to get too serious, or make a move on her yet because I am going away for two months as of tomorrow, but what I will do is keep in touch with her, think and pray about what to do, and hopefully have something worked out by the time I get back. We shall see :)

Downtimes

I can't explain to you why, but my life seems to be spiralling downwards, out of control. I thought things were going well again, having stabilised after the heartbreaking developments of the last few months. Just when I thought things were looking up, I suddenly find myself in a huge mess. And I don't even know what's wrong.
I seem unable to do anything - homework, housework, simple chores - especially the important ones, like finding a new job. I am upset and angry a lot, I'm having trouble being social, and I feel like absolute crap.
It was suggested to me that I may be once again in depression. I had depression for ~15 yrs, up until mid-2011. I have managed to keep normality humming along for the last 12 months, even with serious hiccups to contend with. I remember depression still. I had trouble achieving, I had trouble getting out of bed. I certainly had trouble looking after myself. While this does sound similar to where I find myself now, I don't believe I am in depression now. At least, if I am it does not seem the same. I don't have the same dark cloud hanging over my head that I did. I know now that I can achieve the things I want to. I can overcome pretty much anything. I feel capable where I did not before. Now I feel like I am just majorly caught up on some things, and that they are making my life Hell. Or something.
I need to let this all out somewhere. I need people to vent to. I need some people to guide me, to mentor and encourage me. I gotta get out of this somehow, before my situation gets any worse.

Human emotions in real-life scenarios

Life. It's one of the craziest rides you could dream up. So many things are happening on the outside that it's hard to keep up. The inside, however, is where the real fun and games play out. Earlier in the year I let my heart fly free, loving a girl I knew (see last post). I decided to do this because as an INTJ I make decisions based on thought, and decided to do something differently, and also believed this to be an opportunity too good to miss. What happened from there I can't explain, mostly because I don't understand it, but I can tell you it caused me a lot of pain, and resulted in this girl and I being at quite a distance. I am trying not to think about it, because it doesn't help me to do so. I am giving her space, and working on my own life, but very much hoping we can make something out of it at a later date.
The rest of my life is going really quite well. I have a great group of friends - some quite close, as well as good relationships with my sisters. I have a good house, uni is going well (when I do the work). I have some job opportunities looming as well. I'm looking at getting a car in the coming week, and probably travelling over the Summer as well. My relationship with God is still getting started (again), as I keep stuffing it up. I'm really going to try to get that right, though. I have been putting lots of time into writing, and am trying to do the same with oil painting and woodwork, as well as spending more time with photography and snowboarding. Life. I'm loving it, and finding a way through.

Suddenly, excitement!

Well!

My life has quickly become a whole lot more interesting and exciting! Developments have been developing at a great rate of development. Over the last 12 months I have tried to keep myself from getting into a relationship. I know I am not ready yet – I have to mature, get a well-paid job, a car and a life. I am good friends with some very lovely girls, some of whom I have wondered whether I could have a future with. Ultimately none have been really suitable (which is good, as I am not ready). Then, I somehow started chatting online to a girl I used to go to uni with. I had liked her back then, but she was seeing someone, and I was a social failure. As we talked, we found we really got along well, and had an awful lot in common – likes, tastes and outlook on life. We talked for hours, and then again a short time later, and then again, until we began talking into the early hours of the morning every single day. You can imagine my excitement, as she is a fantastic girl – sweet, caring, beautiful and very friendly. I was not able to stop my heart from flying off as I became quite enamoured by her.

Eventually I felt I had to let her know how I was feeling, even though I was not ready for a relationship. She also felt the same way and was in a similar situation. So here we are – close friends with feelings for each other, but no idea what the future will hold. It’s hard to sit still!

Reality check

Wow.. so my 12-month high hit a brick wall. There's at least a few reasons. Possibly the main one is that my well-paying highly-responsible job that I got 3 months ago still hasn't got me any shifts. It's got me down, meant I haven't saved heaps for my next trip away, as well as not having money to do stuff with friends. I was planning on buying a car by the end of the Summer, but that looks like not happening as well. I was feeling really good just a few days ago, as I had seen lots of friends and family, but suddenly I feel really low. Not quite as low as I used to reguarly, but certainly low enough. I have managed to hold on to good feelings and thoughts for the last year, but I guess there's always going to be something to get past your defences.
Besides the work situation, I've also felt like I could do with some company. Not that I am ready for a relationship, or even know someone who would suit me. And I have been really enjoying my own time and space. But I just really want someone to hold, sit with, someone who thinks I'm special. Not that I am, but it's nice when they think that. I know some really amazing girls, but am trying not to start anything. It's getting pretty hard. I also have to move house, which I'm not happy about. My housemates are moving next door (same owners) and have got some girls to move in to our house, but they don't want guys in the house, so I have to go. Yeh, not happy. The house next door is better and worse than this one in different ways, but I am super settled here and was hoping to stay here till I finished uni. The worst part about it is that I had no say in it - I was just informed of having to leave. There's not really anything I can do about it either. As for exercise, I have had sporadic bursts of over-exertion, interspersed by long periods of being a fat lazy pig. Overall I feel completely unfit, not to mention unmotivated. Must do something to turn this around. :/

Writing of writing..

I am returning from an absenceof a couple of months, during which time much has happened. Oddly enough, muchof this has been writing. I was randomly (fatefully?) reintroduced to poetryand the like, and have spent quite of lot of time thinking and writing littlebits and pieces which come to mind. My mind is opening up, not just to writing,but creativity, feelings, introspection and abstraction. I am allowing myselfto write before thinking, creatively, and seeing what appears. Of course Ithink long and hard about many things as well, and jot them down, but I put nopressure on myself to produce quality or quantity.. I just write what I feel.

As a teenager I felt a lot ofpressure when writing, whether it be fiction or journaling, and this made meput it aside as ‘too hard’ or ‘too much’. I have recently been returning to theidea of writing, which I love. I travelled overseas and took a notepad with me,writing the days’ happenings down, trying to get something on paper each day.When I am freed from pressures and expectations, I can finally enjoy writing,and I do. I hope to improve my writing with time and practice, in style, incontent, and in clarity. I am keeping rather quiet to friends and family aboutmy writing blogs, because this way I find it easier to be honest, and to have ago, than if I know everyone is reading and judging me. At any rate, I’m givingit a good go, and I will try to write here every week or so from now on.

Happy readings.

What’s in a feeling?

For a matter of fact person such as myself, feelings are a something that I come across on a weekly basis. Real feelings, I mean.. Of course I feel happy when I see a friend, I feel appreciation when the sun shines. But it's not that often that I feel something deep, for instance real longing to see someone again. Deep regret for what I've done to someone I care about. Desire to get really close to someone I've met. There are times when I feel like this, but it's not that often. Am I less attached than a person should be?
The things in life that really make me feel, are music - playing and hearing - and nature - rocks, trees, mountains and animals. I feel alive when I am outdoors, and I feel deep and transported when I listen to music. I feel like I can express myself with music. Maybe the music is just the medium for releasing the feelings - I don't know.

I also have feelings of love and infatuation. I don't know what it is that makes you feel someone is so much more than the sum of their parts. It's the connection you have with them, the time you spend together, the interwoveness of your lives. There's something else as well. Meeting someone and immediately thinking they are sent from Above. This happens to me sometimes, and what am I to do with it? Me thinking someone's great doesn't change how they are. It certainly doesn't make us any better a match. How do you let go of those feelings and move on with your life? How do you see that person again without feeling like that?

I'm all for loving someone and making a life together, but I want it to be based on something more substantial than feelings. If feelings fade then you are left with nothing. How do you build a solid relationship based on compatibility and caring without it being boring and tedious? How do you interplay feelings and reality..?