Writing of writing..

I am returning from an absenceof a couple of months, during which time much has happened. Oddly enough, muchof this has been writing. I was randomly (fatefully?) reintroduced to poetryand the like, and have spent quite of lot of time thinking and writing littlebits and pieces which come to mind. My mind is opening up, not just to writing,but creativity, feelings, introspection and abstraction. I am allowing myselfto write before thinking, creatively, and seeing what appears. Of course Ithink long and hard about many things as well, and jot them down, but I put nopressure on myself to produce quality or quantity.. I just write what I feel.

As a teenager I felt a lot ofpressure when writing, whether it be fiction or journaling, and this made meput it aside as ‘too hard’ or ‘too much’. I have recently been returning to theidea of writing, which I love. I travelled overseas and took a notepad with me,writing the days’ happenings down, trying to get something on paper each day.When I am freed from pressures and expectations, I can finally enjoy writing,and I do. I hope to improve my writing with time and practice, in style, incontent, and in clarity. I am keeping rather quiet to friends and family aboutmy writing blogs, because this way I find it easier to be honest, and to have ago, than if I know everyone is reading and judging me. At any rate, I’m givingit a good go, and I will try to write here every week or so from now on.

Happy readings.

What’s in a feeling?

For a matter of fact person such as myself, feelings are a something that I come across on a weekly basis. Real feelings, I mean.. Of course I feel happy when I see a friend, I feel appreciation when the sun shines. But it's not that often that I feel something deep, for instance real longing to see someone again. Deep regret for what I've done to someone I care about. Desire to get really close to someone I've met. There are times when I feel like this, but it's not that often. Am I less attached than a person should be?
The things in life that really make me feel, are music - playing and hearing - and nature - rocks, trees, mountains and animals. I feel alive when I am outdoors, and I feel deep and transported when I listen to music. I feel like I can express myself with music. Maybe the music is just the medium for releasing the feelings - I don't know.

I also have feelings of love and infatuation. I don't know what it is that makes you feel someone is so much more than the sum of their parts. It's the connection you have with them, the time you spend together, the interwoveness of your lives. There's something else as well. Meeting someone and immediately thinking they are sent from Above. This happens to me sometimes, and what am I to do with it? Me thinking someone's great doesn't change how they are. It certainly doesn't make us any better a match. How do you let go of those feelings and move on with your life? How do you see that person again without feeling like that?

I'm all for loving someone and making a life together, but I want it to be based on something more substantial than feelings. If feelings fade then you are left with nothing. How do you build a solid relationship based on compatibility and caring without it being boring and tedious? How do you interplay feelings and reality..?

A little something..

It's 11:30, I can't keep my eyes open, and I'm thinking about food. Trying to get into some good habits, but assignments and exams are pressing and I don't have time. I've started swimming regularly, trying to get fit, and it's going well. I'm trying to eat meals, with vegetables and whatnot. It's not easy - often I revert to pies, snags or grilled cheese. Bedtimes are another thing. So many years of self-inflicted sleep deprivation have taken their toll. I try to change the patterns, but it's not worked for me so far. Try again, I guess..

I haven't posted here for ages. Why? Well I start, but I put too much pressure on myself to make it amazing, all-encompassing, revelationary. That's why they get left as drafts. Today's post is making it up because I've given myself 5 mins to get it done. And that's what you see. Not much, but it's better than nothing.. and with that attitude in mind, I will also tackle diet, exercise and homework. Now to sleep..

Discourse on enjoying life

Well, life is going quite swimmingly at the moment. Not for too long, mind you, and of course there are always ups and downs. I'm yet to see if I'm more likely to blog when things are going great, or when life seems bleak and pointless.
So, why is my life doing so grandly? Can I say grandly? Well, almost at least.. So it appears that when situations I face are easy, or enjoyable, or fun or whether I have some success, then I feel happy. Only then do I enjoy life. But while I do enjoy this enjoyment of life, I would like to take control of the way I feel about life. I don't want to have my life dictated by what happens around me.
I want to be the one to decide how I feel. If situations are bad, or hard, I want to decide that I will enjoy the trial, or enjoy the price. If my situation looks bright and sunny, I want to know that I am enjoying it because I am a person who enjoys life, not just because my outlook is good. If things around me are not the way I want them to be, I want to be the one to make changes so that it is better for me. I don't want to be someone who blindly accepts all the comes my way. And yes, I do realise that there is more to life than enjoyment, but that will have to wait for another blog.
For my sake and yours, I will list some of the many things that make my life so enjoyable, most of which are happening presently:
* I have friends. I really love friends. It is so great having people to hang around with, to travel with, to chat about life with, to study with, and to be part of my life. In recent years I have come to see how much I need to have friends in my life. Through my life I have always had a hard time being close with my friends, and maintaining close friendships. Having a band last year, spend time with my sisters and their friends, and this last semester living and travelling with so many exchange (and local) students at Monash Sunway has given me a lot of joy and so many good memories.
*Travel. I really enjoy it. Seeing new places, seeing new things, meeting new people. It gets me excited about life. So many opportunities before me, beckoning me. This exchange has enabled me to see many places in Malaysia, as well as visit Thailand, Singapore, Indonesia and Sri Lanka. And as you might imagine this has in no way lessened me desire to travel. In fact, in combination with talking travel with my friends here, it has made me almost willing to never return home.
*Girls. There is so much I have to say about them. I will start by mentioning that I feel blessed to have them in my life. Firstly, there are the girls in my family, who care about me and do nice things for me, and spend their time with me. There are girls who I have met and get along well with, and talk about life with (I love talking about things that are important in life). There are girls here in Malaysia, including the exchange students, who I have got to know and give me much joy popping in and out, doing their thing and making life so pretty. I love seeing girls be girls. I love how guys and girls interact, and compliment oneanother. I love being trusted by girls, and have them include me in their lives. It also makes me happy to be able to bless them somehow, help them out, or at least be there for them. It also makes me happy knowing that even though I'm not ready for a relationship now, one day I can make a wonderful girl my wife.
*There are so many more things that are making me happy, including my family (who love me very much), music (which means the world to me), the beautiful world around me (which excites, intrigues and blesses me constantly), humour (which I conciously and subconciously utilise daily) and of course God (who made all these things, and me to enjoy them :D ).
So that tells you a little about how I feel about life at the present, and what I tend to do about it, to continue such fantasticness in my life. I shall return to you at a future date to further entertain your curiosities ;)
Eden

New beginnings

My life has changed greatly in recent times. Yesterday in particular, which was a day I can never forget. Some of these changes have been for good, some for bad. Yet despite the magnitude of the changes so far, greater changes are yet to come. I have before me a quest. Not set by myself, yet it is mine nonetheless. I must become a new man. My life focus and direction must be redrawn. I have known that these changes have been necessary, and approaching, for some time, but never before have I been so mindful of the urgency that they hold. Time is a precious and fleeting gift, and I am learning to appreciate it and make the most of what I have.
Over time I have departed from that which I know is true, from that which I have given my life. I have let slide relationship, values and wisdom and embraced hollowness and refuse. And I have paid, and continue to pay for those choices. My new path, which shall lead toward my quest, is one of good choices. Right choices. I need to make sure I keep to the path as well, because it will be all too easy to stray. May God help me maintain my bearings.