Carols

The day of the carols,
will ever remain, fixed in my memory
as a turning point in my life.
It was on this day
that I realised clearly, finally,
how much you meant to me.

I had known you
for barely a year, yet in that time
you had become my dearest friend.
Getting to know you
as the year went on, had become
my favourite way to spend my time.

You made me laugh every day,
with your quotes, your jokes,
and your remarkable insight.
You made me think,
you challenged my attitudes,
and all this with acceptance and love.

On the day of the carols,
I finally realised that I wanted
to spend my days with you.
With you life was fun,
the future, bright, and every day
became joyful, exciting.

That night by moonlight,
I saw in you compatibility unforeseen
and companionship complete.
My heart went out to you,
never to feel settled without you near,
without you by my side.
So here I am, countless miles
lying between us, longing to have you with me
once again, my dear.

Teaching placement, in Malaysia

Where am I at with life atm, I hear you not ask. Well as a matter of fact I am overseas, spending my Summer break teaching in Malaysia. This 3-week placement will count towards my 4th year education practicum, but for some reason I am teaching maths instead of science. I've never studied maths. I'm basically learning what I'm teaching before I go into class.
Today was a bit different though. Today I spent 4hrs marking maths books, which was not entirely loathsome. It feels like I've been here for ages, but today's only the 4th day of actual classes. The school I'm at is very good - possibly the best in the country. The students are 99% Chinese (racially), and all extremely hard workers, as well as polite and well-behaved. Teaching them is hard only in that they are very quiet, and shy when it comes to white foreigners teaching them. They don't speak up, and will hardly answer a question you ask them. Even when singled out they usually stay quiet. They do murmur a bit, but quiet down when you ask them. We foreigners must be quite a novelty to them. When we walk around the school they bow to us, particularly if we make eye contact. This being so, I keep my eyes fixed ahead of me everywhere I go. It's rather embarrassing being bowed to. Partly because I don't feel like a real teacher, but also because I don't know the customs.
The teachers seem slightly interested to ambivalent. Most are pretty friendly - one even asking for my home address. There are some other student teachers here - locals, from the institute we are staying at. They are all teaching English. They are quiet friendly, and come with us to dinner sometimes. The school cafeteria is good too. There's a few types of Chinese food, types of nasi goreng, fresh fruit, fried foods, lots of drinks, and even popcorn. Like Beth said, we got allocated the right school (although we are without a chocolate fountain..).
I'm not sure if the rest of the time here will go fast or slow, but I am keen to get out and get home. I have a girl I'm hanging out to see. I'm also not sure about travelling afterwards - I was going to go to Thailand and the Philippines, but I can hardly be bothered. If it wasn't for friends I am supposed to meet, I would probably just head home. We'll see, I guess.

Don't times change..?

Well. According to my previous post, my life has gone through innumerable changes in the last four months. I have had a really bad year at uni, but then I had full-time work for the last six weeks. I also have travel and teaching placement to enjoy over the Summer. But the relationship I was so excited about back then took a nosedive leaving me shellshocked for the better part of the semester. I might get back in contact with that girl soon, but what I am really excited about is a new friendship, and possible relationship.
I got in contact this year with a girl I knew of when I was a kid. She attended some of my sister's birthday parties and such, but then moved away, and I didn't see her for 15 years. Then we got back in touch via Facebook, and caught up regularly at uni, which we both attended. We would talk about our respective relationship woes, and encourage each other. We got on well, and laughed a lot, sharing lots of funny links online, as well as in-jokes. She asked me to drum for the carols she was organising, and I did, meaning that I saw her a lot for a month, and then since then we have been talking and catching up all the time. I have had dinner with her family a few times, and I am constantly amazed at how effortlessly we get along.
When I first met her again this year, I told myself not to get to liking her. I didn't think it was a good idea. She is an introvert (I wanted to find myself an extrovert), and was in an unhealthy relationship, so I thought it was best to steer clear of that. But recently I noticed how much I liked her, and I made it a point to be aware of what I felt being with her. What I saw was this - there's nothing about the time we spend together that I don't enjoy.
I have tried not to get too serious, or make a move on her yet because I am going away for two months as of tomorrow, but what I will do is keep in touch with her, think and pray about what to do, and hopefully have something worked out by the time I get back. We shall see :)

Downtimes

I can't explain to you why, but my life seems to be spiralling downwards, out of control. I thought things were going well again, having stabilised after the heartbreaking developments of the last few months. Just when I thought things were looking up, I suddenly find myself in a huge mess. And I don't even know what's wrong.
I seem unable to do anything - homework, housework, simple chores - especially the important ones, like finding a new job. I am upset and angry a lot, I'm having trouble being social, and I feel like absolute crap.
It was suggested to me that I may be once again in depression. I had depression for ~15 yrs, up until mid-2011. I have managed to keep normality humming along for the last 12 months, even with serious hiccups to contend with. I remember depression still. I had trouble achieving, I had trouble getting out of bed. I certainly had trouble looking after myself. While this does sound similar to where I find myself now, I don't believe I am in depression now. At least, if I am it does not seem the same. I don't have the same dark cloud hanging over my head that I did. I know now that I can achieve the things I want to. I can overcome pretty much anything. I feel capable where I did not before. Now I feel like I am just majorly caught up on some things, and that they are making my life Hell. Or something.
I need to let this all out somewhere. I need people to vent to. I need some people to guide me, to mentor and encourage me. I gotta get out of this somehow, before my situation gets any worse.

Human emotions in real-life scenarios

Life. It's one of the craziest rides you could dream up. So many things are happening on the outside that it's hard to keep up. The inside, however, is where the real fun and games play out. Earlier in the year I let my heart fly free, loving a girl I knew (see last post). I decided to do this because as an INTJ I make decisions based on thought, and decided to do something differently, and also believed this to be an opportunity too good to miss. What happened from there I can't explain, mostly because I don't understand it, but I can tell you it caused me a lot of pain, and resulted in this girl and I being at quite a distance. I am trying not to think about it, because it doesn't help me to do so. I am giving her space, and working on my own life, but very much hoping we can make something out of it at a later date.
The rest of my life is going really quite well. I have a great group of friends - some quite close, as well as good relationships with my sisters. I have a good house, uni is going well (when I do the work). I have some job opportunities looming as well. I'm looking at getting a car in the coming week, and probably travelling over the Summer as well. My relationship with God is still getting started (again), as I keep stuffing it up. I'm really going to try to get that right, though. I have been putting lots of time into writing, and am trying to do the same with oil painting and woodwork, as well as spending more time with photography and snowboarding. Life. I'm loving it, and finding a way through.

Suddenly, excitement!

Well!

My life has quickly become a whole lot more interesting and exciting! Developments have been developing at a great rate of development. Over the last 12 months I have tried to keep myself from getting into a relationship. I know I am not ready yet – I have to mature, get a well-paid job, a car and a life. I am good friends with some very lovely girls, some of whom I have wondered whether I could have a future with. Ultimately none have been really suitable (which is good, as I am not ready). Then, I somehow started chatting online to a girl I used to go to uni with. I had liked her back then, but she was seeing someone, and I was a social failure. As we talked, we found we really got along well, and had an awful lot in common – likes, tastes and outlook on life. We talked for hours, and then again a short time later, and then again, until we began talking into the early hours of the morning every single day. You can imagine my excitement, as she is a fantastic girl – sweet, caring, beautiful and very friendly. I was not able to stop my heart from flying off as I became quite enamoured by her.

Eventually I felt I had to let her know how I was feeling, even though I was not ready for a relationship. She also felt the same way and was in a similar situation. So here we are – close friends with feelings for each other, but no idea what the future will hold. It’s hard to sit still!

Reality check

Wow.. so my 12-month high hit a brick wall. There's at least a few reasons. Possibly the main one is that my well-paying highly-responsible job that I got 3 months ago still hasn't got me any shifts. It's got me down, meant I haven't saved heaps for my next trip away, as well as not having money to do stuff with friends. I was planning on buying a car by the end of the Summer, but that looks like not happening as well. I was feeling really good just a few days ago, as I had seen lots of friends and family, but suddenly I feel really low. Not quite as low as I used to reguarly, but certainly low enough. I have managed to hold on to good feelings and thoughts for the last year, but I guess there's always going to be something to get past your defences.
Besides the work situation, I've also felt like I could do with some company. Not that I am ready for a relationship, or even know someone who would suit me. And I have been really enjoying my own time and space. But I just really want someone to hold, sit with, someone who thinks I'm special. Not that I am, but it's nice when they think that. I know some really amazing girls, but am trying not to start anything. It's getting pretty hard. I also have to move house, which I'm not happy about. My housemates are moving next door (same owners) and have got some girls to move in to our house, but they don't want guys in the house, so I have to go. Yeh, not happy. The house next door is better and worse than this one in different ways, but I am super settled here and was hoping to stay here till I finished uni. The worst part about it is that I had no say in it - I was just informed of having to leave. There's not really anything I can do about it either. As for exercise, I have had sporadic bursts of over-exertion, interspersed by long periods of being a fat lazy pig. Overall I feel completely unfit, not to mention unmotivated. Must do something to turn this around. :/